Well, I did write a whole ten paragraph post originally and when I went to save my draft to publish later, the whole thing disappeared. Talk about being gutted. I was thinking that I just wasted the last fifteen minutes of my life but now, I feel quite cathartic. However, it does mean that this post will be considerably shorter (I can hear you cheering now!). I feel I have to mention it’s more serious in tone, so feel free to skip to other posts if it’s not your thing.
What got me to write this was that pretty much about 4 hours after I posted my weigh in post with my 4lb gain, I went on a binge. It made me realise two things: I need to not depend on other people to be happy and that I binge a whole lot less than I used to. To give you an idea of how much less I binge – tonight: two individual steak pies and three clementines, four months ago: I would have driven to KFC/McDonalds and ordered about £20 of junk and scoffed it within fifteen minutes.
It made me think of where it started. As all good psychologists know, it’s a childhood thing (well, maybe not all, but mine definitely is). My Mum was very controlling with my food. Rather than try and explain healthy eating and letting me learn from my mistakes, she would make sure I only ate what she let me. I’d have a separate plate I could only eat from whereas the rest of my family could eat what they wanted and how much they wanted. I think the endorphins from sneaking a chocolate bar or a bag of crisps was ingrained into me at such a young age that when I’m feeling really sad, I just gorge on anything to make me feel better (which doesn’t usually happen. I usually feel sick, lethargic and rubbish in general).
On another note, I have realised that although I don’t care for people’s opinion of me in general, when it comes to my Mum or my fiancé, I have to feel their approval. No idea why, I’ve only just realised it myself. I think a big part of my SW journey will be (as corny as it sounds) finding myself and what makes me truly happy. Along with that (seeing as it is New Year’s Eve – how apt), I’m going to wean myself off all this binging business. It’s a horrible cycle and there’s no happiness in it (feel crap emotionally and after the binge feel fat and crap before being depressed and eating more).
In my now non-existent essay, I mentioned how this realisation has felt like a small non-scale victory. I’m changing how I think about food and hopefully in the future, how I approach it. It’s not going to be a miracle overnight thing but baby steps, right?
So.. I will have my post on the new packs tomorrow. I finish work early so I’ll have a couple of hours to myself to write it up and give a clear view on it. Also I have given myself an extra push to get myself together and kick start the weight loss again so that will be up in the next few days as well.
Until next time.. x
PS. Happy New Year!